BEGINNINGS

Dedicated to Brother who has a birthday today

THE LESSON

Twenty one years ago my Mother took me ice skating for the first time. I was four. Never thought I could stand on two thin blades. And yet I was standing. Stumbling, falling, standing up again. Then I saw what I thought to be a miracle - a girl, perhaps of eight, ice skating. How come she could move so gracefully over such a slippery floor in such a strange footwear? As if ice itself was helping her. I wanted to skate like her. I remember it as a first acknowledged wish. From then on I spent a lot of time on ice teaching myself and letting the ice teach me to control my balance, shift weight, go onwards, backwards, sideways, twirl, fall and get up again, try again. Ice became my friend and whenever winter came I sought for the opportunity to go skating.

In the process I learned that sometimes we need someone to show us the way. Then we need a decision to go the way and time to follow what we have decided upon. Many times we do not know why we are inspired by some things and others leave us cold. Sometimes we find out much later.

INSPIRED

When I look back into my early childhood I remember being called Yaponochka (=Japanese girl in Russian). I remember I liked it a lot and asked my Grandmother to call me only by that name. At one point she refused. She told me that I could not be Yaponochka because Japan is a country and Japanese girls can only come from there.
"What if I go there?" I asked.
"It is too far."
"But if I grow up!?" I was always told of the many things that I could do when I grow up.
Grandmother was hesitant. "Even if you grow up, it is still far," she said in the end. She never called me Yaponochka again. I never asked for it.

THE DECISION

Seven years ago I took my first Japanese class. I did not even know that it was a language lesson! Composing the schedule for my BA studies I ran across a sign in the Tallinn University: "Study Japanese Culture and Language". I liked the first and dismissed the last but the times of the lessons fit perfectly into my schedule, so I decided to give it a try. Besides I could get six credit points in a year for it.

Imagine my surprise when during the first lesson Sonobe-sensei made an introduction and I realised it to be a Japanese language course. I started smiling and could not stop before the first class was over. Still I decided to come back again. The idea of studying Japanese was crazy and interesting enough to appeal to me. I smiled all the four years that I spent studying Japanese. Somehow learning this distant language made me feel very easy and happy inside.

The only thing that I perhaps knew of Japan back then was that John Lennon's wife Yoko Ono was Japanese. I really liked her name. I also thought that the Japanese flag had the most beautiful design. Japan had always been too far away to know anything of its culture aside from manga and anime. I did not like anime or manga, thinking it was quite immoral to look at school-girls in too short skirts (I know now that not all of it is like that, i.e. Hayao Miyazaki has created some very wonderful pieces, still the first impressions remained the strongest.) Neither did I take interest in Japanese literature nor know anything of its many martial arts. I did not like yakuza and ninja movies, I had never tried Japanese food. My Japanese studies were a mystery from the very beginning.


TO GO!

It was my seventh journey in the summer of 2006 that I went to Japan with a question: why did I start to study Japanese language.

There was also another reason. By that time I had learnt to read and to write at a basic level, but communicating with books and a teacher without that much motivation I would call a dead practice, whereas live practice I saw possible only in Japan where I`d have no way out but to speak and understand. Thus I crossed Eurasia with a very clear destination point - Japan.

What I felt in Japan was very similar to my first time skating experience. Only this time instead of the thin blades under my feet I had my poor language skill. Never thought I could talk Japanese. And yet I was talking. Hesitating, stuttering, pausing, failing, trying again. Talking. I kept seeing children and young people, not so young people and quite old people speaking Japanese freely. It was like a sound of a river to me that I could hear but could not understand. They all possessed a skill I suddenly so much wanted to have. I remember it as a first acknowledged wish of wanting to be free in Japanese language.

This perhaps was not an answer to my question, but maybe it was a beginning of an answer.


WHY? - I WILL FIND OUT LATER!

Last year walking in the autumn of Tallinn I caught sight of a Japanese flag at the entrance of the country`s consulate. Seeing that flag made me remember a promise I had made to Japan when I was still there - one day to see its autumn and spring colours.

The flag seemed to have called me. As I approached the building I saw sakura planted by Japanese-Estonian Friendship Association welcoming me. (To our mutual surprise I had coincidentally met the members of that Association in Hokkaido island. The story of how everything happened is given in Japanese language here and in Estonian language here).

"I would like to live nine months in Japan. How is it possible?" I asked, knowing it was quite a bold request. Estonians can have just a tourist visa for Japan which is only valid for three months. This "one season ticket" would not have worked for my dream.

I received the answer I already knew beforehand that I would have to live three months somewhere else to be able to return for another three months stay in Japan. But when I then started to approach the exit Taimi Paaves stopped me.
"Would you mind looking at these scholarships - perhaps you can find something for yourself", she said.

My Japanese had never been good enough to participate in any "outstanding student" kind of competitions, but there was one proposal that did not require any language test. The Japan Foundation was offering a course for specialists, researchers and postgraduate students majoring in the fields of the social science or the humanities. How did I qualify? I had a Master`s degree in humanities and a five year work experience in the Art Museum of Estonia. Would it be enough? - this I did not know, but I took the papers.

Back then Sue and I had already decided upon undertaking the journey together. We had spoken of spending winters in warm places and Japan`s Okinawa island, I had heard, had 24 degrees in winter. If the grant was to be approved, it would change a lot.

The same day I went to the embassy, I met Sue over a cup of tea and asked her whether I could apply. She was surprised of my asking but agreed. There was a thought of being able to live together in the dorm and many other "what if" kind of thoughts passed through our conversation.

The positive answer came in March offering me a round-trip, life and study in Japan for four whole months. I refused the plane tickets but agreed to everything else. (The sad news was a strict "one person in the room" policy. Which is in reality even stricter than on paper. The visitors are allowed only if a certain form is filled in and there are many places they can not even enter, among others are the rooms of the residents. Also if I would like to leave for one night I would have to fill out a form as well.)

On July 7 Sue and I set off from Estonia following a schedule dictated pretty much by the date I was to be in Japan - September 5. Also the visas were done accordingly. This time I never had to ask the road where it was taking me. I knew where I wanted to be. I asked the road to take me there.

I did not speak of this before, because was not sure I would actually reach Japan. On the road I never really knew my tomorrow even - that is why I deprived myself the right of talking in the future tense. Only now that I am here (present tense), I can say that everything is in fact real - the scholarship, the institute, my being in Osaka and learning Japanese. Autumn colours can not be seen yet, the spring remains even further away, but I am in Japan and this is just another beginning.