RITUALS

It is mostly once every year that I make a summary of it. Always hidden, never public. Never until now. The time of such a summary falls usually upon the 4th of October and the days surrounding it. On this precise day, now it is twenty six years ago, I was born.

I am having my birthday six hours earlier this time. Hmm, is this actually possible? As Estonia where I was born is still dwelling in October 3rd, in Japan it is already October 4th. Considering that I was born at 7 AM of October 4th, it would have been 1 PM of the same day in Japan at the time. Never mind. It is my birth-day.

As twenty six remains a mystery I allow myself to speak of the twenty five which is clearly past starting from today.

What a good year!

Nine first months of it I dwelt in the knowledge of Leaving, July and August I was on the road travelling from Estonia to Japan with my friend Sue. The last month I spent in Japan in a laboratory-like place that in a very friendly manner keeps filling me with Japanese language.

Back to Estonia.

Actually I said I would not go back. Maybe it was just for the reason that no-one would wait for me, so that I could go free. Though I did not lie. I truly left without any intention of going back to Europe in general. But one never knows really.

As I was walking through the autumn, winter, spring and summer of my last year in Estonia, I learned to listen to my footsteps. Sometimes I just sat on one of the wooden benches in the Kadriorg park and looked up through the leaves to the sky, made the time stop and just Treasured - Treasured everything. When I looked to my right I saw a gorge. On the top of that gorge and just a bit further on, I knew, was my home where my family would gather in the evening. When I looked to my left I saw the Kadriorg Palace in its unearthly beauty. How did I end up working there in the first place? I always wondered about that!

And then I looked up. Looking up, for some reason, always felt like I was looking in my heart, asking it where it wanted to go.

At times like these
when it seemed that the time had stopped
I could find out a lot about my heart

At times like these
all the beautiful seemed overly sweet
and all the comfortable was just too much to feel good

At times like these
I felt quite nauseous and went away into the forest
I went with Sue

At times like these
we took a plastic cover for the night
tied it in between the trees

At times like these
we heard the sea, smelled the forest, saw the stars
and felt in fact quite small
just like the sand

At times like these
we would think of our future journey
where we would not have a roof over our heads
or a place to go back to

And we felt rich


That year it happened that Brother and I shared much fewer cups of tea and less words were spoken. Brother was away in the army and the Time given became even more dear to both of us. Thinking back of it I remember the songs that to my singing he played on the guitar, the hikes, the talks and even more articulate silences - I feel we did not waste a second of the few time given to us.

I remember in fact all the people - my parents, my colleagues, my friends - their faces, voices, places, our greetings and good-byes, I remember my students at the Palace School.

For the past eight years, on my birthday, I would have my Estonian everyday and the Road as a memory, now it is just the other way around.

I realise, that even if I really wanted to, I could not repeat anything of that year. Supposing that I physically went back to the places, still it would never be the same. It is even somewhat strange to look at the still images of my memories admitting at the time that everything is continuing here, there, everywhere.

"You have become a story to me", my Brother once wrote.

Just like that, everyone of you back there on the Road, in Estonia, in the Palace, the Palace itself have become story to me too - such a beautiful story of when I was twenty five.